Praying for our Kids

As everyone knows, Aaron and I cannot have kids of our own. We would love to. We tried for years. We saw fertility specialists. I had surgery. I used medicines that made me sick, fat, and moody. Nothing worked. When we moved to Maryland this summer, jobless, I admit we were both relieved that kids were not in the picture. Only briefly though.

I find that whenever I try to fill my life with other things-- work, vacations, hobbies, etc.-- I still feel empty. I know they're just placeholders. They might keep my thoughts occupied for the moment, but they'll never quench my desire to have a family.

This whole experience with infertility has been so up and down. I've changed as a person (sometimes in good ways, sometimes in hard ways) because of it. My priorities have changed. My views have changed. Five years ago, I was endlessly frustrated because I wanted a family and Aaron didn't. Four years ago, I was relieved that Aaron was finally excited to try, but I was so confused about why it wasn't happening. Then, I had the most confusing early miscarriage situation. Three years ago, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. In some ways, the diagnosis was a relief because at least I knew that there was a medical answer. Unfortunately, that disease has no cure and only gets worse. Two years ago, my heart was truly, absolutely aching. The pain felt unbearable. I wanted to so much to have a child, but as I wasn't getting pregnant, it seemed like all of my friends were. And I do mean all. The struggle seemed endless. Last year, Aaron and I had renewed hope as we sought answers and healing from fertility doctors. I can't even recall the number of times I drove to Charlottesville for blood tests, ultrasounds, consultations, and various procedures. I remember sitting in a doctor's office, being told that if that cycle didn't work, I would never get pregnant apart from IVF. Aaron wasn't even there with me that day, so receiving the news sucked.. And now, I'm just so over the whole trying-to-get-pregnant thing. It's never going to happen. I accept that.

A few years ago, one of my friends adopted and asked me if we had considered it. At the time, it didn't seem like the right move for us. And since I didn't want it for the right reasons, I would have been just another bitter infertile woman buying a baby. Like I said though, this has been a hilly road and we've grown so much.

Aaron and I have decided that once he's finished training and hired by the FAA (or wherever he is career-wise after school), we would like to adopt. That gives us roughly a year and a half to two years to get our finances back in line, for Aaron to get settled in to his job, for us to create a new home together. It's so exciting. There are so many kids in the world with no parents (or miserable parents). I can't wait to meet ours! I'm already wondering will it be a boy or a girl? what will he look like? what will his personality be like? what will it be like to tuck our child in every night? Bathtime, bedtime, hugs, kisses, playing, loving, teaching, growing...

It seems like so far away (especially when we've waited this long)! I can't meet him yet, but I can pray for him. So, that's what we're going to do. Every day. Maybe he isn't even born yet and we need to pray for his mom to keep him safe. Maybe he's being hurt or neglected by someone right now and we need to pray for God to protect him and restore his innocence. Maybe he's wondering when someone will finally love him and want him. I hate when people throw around the phrase, "All you can do is pray." Prayer isn't all I can do. That makes it sound like a pathetic attempt to grasp the last strand of control in a big situation. My God is bigger and more powerful than any other force in this world! I haven't met my child yet, but you'd better believe I'll be praying for him!

Will you pray for him too? Pray for Aaron and me while you're at it. We're not ready yet. Believe me when I say it would be irresponsible to apply for adoption right now. Aaron's in school, we're in a one-bedroom apartment, and I work 40 min away. But pray for us to make headway in the next year and to become really prepared to be parents. We both want this more than anything.